My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
