I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
