I need help removing her.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
