The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
