please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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