There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
