Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
