watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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