No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
