So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
