So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
