woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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