Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
