I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
