i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
