Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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