dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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