Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
