roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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