if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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