two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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