GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
