the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
