I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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