And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
