If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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