Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
