I'm jealous of your bromance
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
