No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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