He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
