your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
