Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize