we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
