I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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