i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
