I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize