i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I will pee on everything he values.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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