explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
