Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
