Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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