and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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