Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
