But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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