The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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