This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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