would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
