I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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