false alarm. still invincible.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
