Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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