My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
worst night to have a conscience
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
