textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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