I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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