It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
