I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize