...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
