When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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