im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Semen is not good for contacts.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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