3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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