These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
