i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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