if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
